Dear broken mind, please un-break

Dear broken mind

That is hurting all those that care

Dear soul, dear heart

That is slowly killing the one that carries you

Please un-break

The damage you are causing is clear

You feel it is too late to rectify

This turbulence you have generated

Do you not see?

Turning back from any point of lunacy

Is better than continuing on this path

Stop!

Let go of the mangled thoughts

The beliefs that are keeping you

In this dark place, in this pain

Save yourself

Save your beholder

There is no other in this world

That can help you

Only one, only you

Do it, dear broken mind

Please… un-break

Obsessive Rumination

Were you really so perfect

When you were mine

Have I idealized you

In my obsessive ruminations

Since you have left

Has my emotional turmoil

Painted you in beautiful

Shades that I long to cover

My environment with

Why do I suffer so much

Over one who has decided

He is better off without me

I do not know

No I do know

It is my undying love

That is causing

This uncontrollable pain

In my breaking chest

In my ruminating mind

And I cannot bear it

I am scared of life

I am scared. Scared of this pain. Scared of my mind. Scared of staying like this. Scared of doing anything. Scared of life. I am scared.

The pain I feel is not subsiding, not even a little bit. It has crippled me. I feel unable. I can’t bring myself to do anything, go anywhere, give importance to anything. I feel disabled. I feel so selfish towards people who thrive to live through their actual disabilities, through their life limiting illnesses. I am so sorry. I am so sorry. I can’t help it. I can’t help it.

I am scared. Scared that my mind will stay broken. Scared that I will never find a reason to get my hold back on life. Scared that I will keep crying uncontrollably my whole life, like I have been every day for hours on end for the past 2 Months, since he left. Scared of this depression that has taken hold. Scared as to why I don’t remember myself without my brother.

It is too much. I am scared that I will keep living. Scared to be alive. I am scared that one day I will destroy my parents by… ending this pain. I am scared that I am already destroying them. I am scared that I will outlive them. I am scared for having outlived my brother. I am scared of everything.

Nothing makes sense anymore. I feel no hope, no reason to live. I am scared that this will never change. I am scared of this depression.

I am scared that I will never be able to live alone again in my own home. I am scared that I will keep having to live with my parents for being too scared to be alone. I am 22. I am scared.

I am scared I won’t find my personality ever again, the one I have lost. I am living a nothingness. Doing nothing. Feeling only pain. Thinking of only him. Every inch of me aches. Every part of me is in pain. Emotional and physical.

I am scared I will never be united with my brother. I am scared because I do not feel his strength in me anymore. His strength that got me through so much. My mind has let him take that away. My mind has let him take me away. I am scared of my broken mind.

I am scared of being this that I have become.

No, I am not scared… I am terrified.

Can they make me want to live again?

People say I have given up… It is true. It is true. I have no desire, no strength, no grasp on life. I feel like I have no reason to be here, no purpose. I feel pain. I feel lonely. I feel hopeless. I feel weak. I feel tired. Of life. Of this pain. And nothing anyone has said has changed this.

I keep saying this… I just want to be with my younger brother. It is not my time to die but I am desperate for it to be. I don’t see why I should have to be here without him. I don’t want to be.

If I feel this way, how can spending time with friends, who don’t listen to what I say, make a difference? I will visit bunch of friends. I will see inside the opportunity to bring some change. But how can you change the mind of someone who has given up?

I managed to go out for dinner with my friends.. all I could do was talk about how I feel. All I could do was look around at people and wonder why I was there amongst people who are living. All I could do was look at my besties and feel envy at how they have a lovely life. I felt unimaginable guilt for this envy. Actually, it wasn’t envy, it was desperation.. to feel the desire to live, as they do, as anyone does. To even be a little bit less depressed — enough to at least enjoy something. To enjoy the food. To enjoy anyone’s company. To just be living… just a little bit.

All that I want is to get into bed and cry. No, not all that I want… all that I feel I can do. It is what I will do when I have finished this piece.

So tell me, can they help me want to live again? When I have not got it in me… When I have no desire to carry on with this life I have?

COVER ME IN FLOWERS!!!

Cover me in flowers,
and lay, over my face, a cover.
Make it white, like in the shows,
and let it be a secret; where I go.
I will roam the seas
and swim in the breeze,
filling my soul
with fog from coal.
Cover me in flowers,
make sure there’s a cover,
come on,
please?

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Please stop!! Don’t Go🙏

PLEASE STOP! PLEASE! PLEASE! STOP! I can’t take this pain, this anguish anymore. I am in turmoil, I am in hell. I want to die. I can’t take this pain, this anguish anymore.

My loved ones are losing patience. Because after my Brother died I was hanging on with a thread, just surviving and hardly living… I was in love with every moment we spent together, I found a little ‘happiness’ in a world And then, he changed his mind, he left…

The anxiety started, my old demon friend. I am now worse than I have ever been. Depression — the black hole.

I want to die. I don’t want to live anymore. I can’t take the pain. Every day, EVERY DAY.. the crying, the panic, the lack of hope, lack of enjoying ANYTHING. All I think about is him — why? Why am I in anguish over someone who is no more? No, it’s the hope. I had found a hope and I tried to hold on tight. It’s gone. And the grief has opened up it’s flood gates. I am drowning. I want to be with my brother. I WANT TO BE WITH MY BROTHER.

Grief, heartbreak, anxiety, depression, anti-depressants, benzodiazepines… I am in a darkness so unbearable, so uncontrollable.

I am suffocating. I can’t breathe.

STOP! PLEASE STOP! PLEASE PLEASE STOP!

O1.01.2018

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