An Angel: I call her MOM

You gave me what I wanted when I didn’t know I wanted it.. A relationship. Love. Companionship.

You took away things I didn’t think were problems.. My loneliness. The silence. Empty rooms.

I enjoyed having what I didn’t have for so long.. Love. Intimacy. Connection.

I embraced the feelings that came with you.. Feeling loved. Important. Wanted.

What a wonderful thing it is to be someone’s special! How lovely it is to be in love. I have been missing this for so long….

Now my faith in God has restored. He took my brother but He sent you to catch me when I was shattered and lost with no will and purpose of being alive.

I just wanted to tell you that you’re an amazing MOM. Every single word you say is magical. When I talk & share with you is the best part of my day. I love you so much but may be not as much as you love me. I’m just out of words to tell everything… that you already know❤

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Nothing to contribute..

He used to be.. fun to be around. What happened to this man? Sitting among his friends, smoking cigarettes, watching them talk as he considers what to say. He doesn’t have anything interesting to bring to the group. He is lost, He has been for a while. The times where He was able to pretend are behind him. He wishes he still had the energy to exaggerate the events in his life through his creative words, pulling his environment into his stories. Making the odd funny joke or comment to entice laughs and connect with his audience. Those days are unfortunately forgotten now. He has lost the ability to engage with humans.

As the other beautiful people around him converse and smile and just ‘be’ — natural and confident — he sits quietly. Every now and then someone asks ‘are you okay bro?’ to which he smiles and replies with an extended ‘yeeaahh’. He is just tired — the easiest lie to cover up his truth. He is sad. He is lonely. He is lost.

And so the night continues. He makes an attempt once in a while to say something engaging but it’s a waste of time. He gets a quick response and then they turn to someone else — they have picked up on his lack of interest. So he goes back to his silent listening while he smokes a whole packet of cigarettes. And he writes. They think he is texting when actually he’s typing up his next piece for WordPress, where he will share his nonsensical loneliness with his audience. Loneliness is a state of mind, that’s what they say. He wonders, what came first? The depression or the loneliness? He does not actually care. He just wants it all to leave him alone so that he can be the man he wants to be.. and enjoy his bloody evening!

Dear cigarette/ The thing I least wanted to do

I touched you last year for the first time my entire life. When I had even a single puff, you soothed to my soul that soul which needed someone badly. I won’t regret having you in my life because I know you will kill me one fine day as I won’t die daily and you changed the person inside me. My day starts with one and ends up with uncountables. When I had no one you were there with me, whenever I miss you I find you around me. Do you know? Your love has been started working. Sometimes I feel as my heart has been stopped as it won’t beat again and at the same time, the smile comes on my lips as I will be no more. Sometimes while sleeping I squeeze the bedsheet just because of chest’s pain and at the same time I smile and whisper a few words of my dreams that I will be no more. Whenever my hands start shivering, at the same time I smile and sing that I will be no more as I know you will kill me one fine day and I will be no more.

River of Anguish

A soul once only bruised, later to be broken into a thousand pieces of shattered glass

The youth that promised so much, wasted with the constant overcoming of darkness

Each promising hope of happiness shadowed by a reality unwanted and feared

Moments of calm held onto with tightened fists that suffocated them into purgatory

Returning now and then for the bat of an eye but never long enough to sow seeds

A river of anguish constantly flowing with embankments too few and far apart

A boy, almost in mid-life, left scarred and scared feeling like a child

Afraid of the past, little hope for the future, no vision past the dark clouds

Waiting for a sign from the Universe, the Heavens, the Gods

Waiting for the instilment of peace like a baby bird waiting to be fed

Praying the time will come that the waters of the river of anguish will be purified

And he will finally walk forward, free from his broken mind and sorrow.

Missed

I……actually missed you

It dawned on me that I did

Days–Weeks–Months

without you flew by like nothing, yet, somehow it felt like ages

Bro! I missed you For real

Time

Wasted

Withered

Decayed

Time anticipates, awaits your return

As do I. but you won’t………..

Months without you flew…I missed you
For real

Where is the light?

They mention a light.. at the end of a tunnel

They talk about a light.. behind the shadows

They promise there is light.. behind the dark clouds

They encourage that the light.. is within you

I search, I long, I wait

Yet all I find is darkness, loneliness and pain

Where is this light they speak of

Is this a selective light

Only shining on the faces of those

Who deserve it’s warmth

So do I not deserve it

Am I not worthy of such comfort

They mention a light.. at the end of a tunnel

Yet all I find is darkness, loneliness and pain

The Last Parts Of You

I had a dream last night, and you were with me. This dream was the closest I would ever get to realizing that feeling of being alone. It felt so real that when I finally woke up, I expected to be at home beside him. As I laid there still in the groggy divide between dreams and the truth, the reality hit me. I was not at home; you were not there with me, we never talked.

It’s been almost six months, and in those almost six decades to me, a lot of life has been lived. Sometimes reluctantly, other times, wholeheartedly running fast and absorbing every drop that the moment has to offer like it could be my last. Death has done that to me. Made me more vulnerable to the coming of it. It’s no longer some far-off thing that “unlucky” people have to ponder. It’s a reality, everything dies, and yet we all try to find a way to live.

Life often doesn’t come easy, and I find myself wishing to be one of those “lucky” people. The ones who still have their parents around for all of life’s little moments. That’s when I find myself like Arya Stark listing the things you’ve missed.

I recite the list over and over in my head as if I could forget as if my heart would ever let me. And I think one day, I might stand before God, recite the list then ask why?

Why did my brother have to die so young?

Why don’t people who have everything that matters, more accepting of it?

And even in asking these questions, I already know the answer, “because life isn’t fair.” It’s a cliché, but it’s true.

In a fair world, my brother would have been by my side every day as I know he would have done. he would have given me the strength and solace only brothers can provide. I wouldn’t have to wonder what might have been because I would have lived it.

It’s in these moments of reverie that I recite the list, and for as much as it comforts me, it angers me. I’ve realized that if I’m “lucky,” one day the list will be so long that I won’t remember the beginning. One day, I’ll have more years without you than I had with you. One day, I’ll stop asking why. One day, I’ll realize that “lucky,” is relative.

In the meantime, I continue to live as I have this past. Oscillating between reluctance to give up the ghost and running wholeheartedly through life like it’s my last day here.

Never truly letting all the tears flow.

If I did that, I would lose the last part of you I have left, my grief.

I Want Them To Smile At Me

It’s strange.
It’s a bliss to be alone, but one of the toughest things at the same time.

I can’t easily tell if it’s my heart or my mind that longs for company. I think it’s both. But right now, I am alone. There is nothing I can change about that.

So let me write a poem for you.

. . . . .

I wonder if it’s just me
who enters the train station
full of wonder, but also a strange fear
of everyone I see

I long to smile at people passing me
but my mind, it doesn’t set that love free

I never really understand that force,
or rather the reason for it,
but there is no point pretending
that I am not afraid
of everyone I see
regardless of the source

I love the people whom I surround,
and who surround me,
but my mind hates them,
it seems, to my society and my past
it is still quite bound

I want them to smile at me,
hell! I even want them to converse,
yet I don’t, I don’t at all!
What if it turns out to be much worse,
than what I imagine it to be?

What if they end up judging me,
as I sit there, doing my best
to feel beautiful and strong,
pushing anxiety away

I wonder why has it happened to me,
when all I wanted was to love,
to love with all my heart,
never seeing the wrong in this life, constantly expecting the worst,
of this world, while the worst,
rarely is what happens,
I must have realized too late
that this has become my reality

But I love this world, I love you, I love you, despite my anger and my fear, I do

I know what my mind thinks is mostly not true, or so I say, as I make my way once again to work, on this new day.

Depression is a Thief

Depression is a thief,

Depression steals,

Depression takes,

Depression is cruel,

Depression attacks,

Depression steals motivation.

Depression takes minutes, hours, days, nights, years away from us.

Depression is cruel to anyone whom it affects.

Depression attacks everyone it can.

I am fighting depression.

I am getting up out of bed everyday.

I have better security now.

I won’t let it get me.

I will not get my past back.

I will not let my future go to depression.

Depression does not deserve me.

I will come out of it.

I will get better.

I have hope.

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