I am scared. Scared of this pain. Scared of my mind. Scared of staying like this. Scared of doing anything. Scared of life. I am scared.
The pain I feel is not subsiding, not even a little bit. It has crippled me. I feel unable. I can’t bring myself to do anything, go anywhere, give importance to anything. I feel disabled. I feel so selfish towards people who thrive to live through their actual disabilities, through their life limiting illnesses. I am so sorry. I am so sorry. I can’t help it. I can’t help it.
I am scared. Scared that my mind will stay broken. Scared that I will never find a reason to get my hold back on life. Scared that I will keep crying uncontrollably my whole life, like I have been every day for hours on end for the past 2 Months, since he left. Scared of this depression that has taken hold. Scared as to why I don’t remember myself without my brother.
It is too much. I am scared that I will keep living. Scared to be alive. I am scared that one day I will destroy my parents by… ending this pain. I am scared that I am already destroying them. I am scared that I will outlive them. I am scared for having outlived my brother. I am scared of everything.
Nothing makes sense anymore. I feel no hope, no reason to live. I am scared that this will never change. I am scared of this depression.
I am scared that I will never be able to live alone again in my own home. I am scared that I will keep having to live with my parents for being too scared to be alone. I am 22. I am scared.
I am scared I won’t find my personality ever again, the one I have lost. I am living a nothingness. Doing nothing. Feeling only pain. Thinking of only him. Every inch of me aches. Every part of me is in pain. Emotional and physical.
I am scared I will never be united with my brother. I am scared because I do not feel his strength in me anymore. His strength that got me through so much. My mind has let him take that away. My mind has let him take me away. I am scared of my broken mind.
I am scared of being this that I have become.
No, I am not scared… I am terrified.