The Last Parts Of You

I had a dream last night, and you were with me. This dream was the closest I would ever get to realizing that feeling of being alone. It felt so real that when I finally woke up, I expected to be at home beside him. As I laid there still in the groggy divide between dreams and the truth, the reality hit me. I was not at home; you were not there with me, we never talked.

It’s been almost six months, and in those almost six decades to me, a lot of life has been lived. Sometimes reluctantly, other times, wholeheartedly running fast and absorbing every drop that the moment has to offer like it could be my last. Death has done that to me. Made me more vulnerable to the coming of it. It’s no longer some far-off thing that “unlucky” people have to ponder. It’s a reality, everything dies, and yet we all try to find a way to live.

Life often doesn’t come easy, and I find myself wishing to be one of those “lucky” people. The ones who still have their parents around for all of life’s little moments. That’s when I find myself like Arya Stark listing the things you’ve missed.

I recite the list over and over in my head as if I could forget as if my heart would ever let me. And I think one day, I might stand before God, recite the list then ask why?

Why did my brother have to die so young?

Why don’t people who have everything that matters, more accepting of it?

And even in asking these questions, I already know the answer, “because life isn’t fair.” It’s a cliché, but it’s true.

In a fair world, my brother would have been by my side every day as I know he would have done. he would have given me the strength and solace only brothers can provide. I wouldn’t have to wonder what might have been because I would have lived it.

It’s in these moments of reverie that I recite the list, and for as much as it comforts me, it angers me. I’ve realized that if I’m “lucky,” one day the list will be so long that I won’t remember the beginning. One day, I’ll have more years without you than I had with you. One day, I’ll stop asking why. One day, I’ll realize that “lucky,” is relative.

In the meantime, I continue to live as I have this past. Oscillating between reluctance to give up the ghost and running wholeheartedly through life like it’s my last day here.

Never truly letting all the tears flow.

If I did that, I would lose the last part of you I have left, my grief.

I Want Them To Smile At Me

It’s strange.
It’s a bliss to be alone, but one of the toughest things at the same time.

I can’t easily tell if it’s my heart or my mind that longs for company. I think it’s both. But right now, I am alone. There is nothing I can change about that.

So let me write a poem for you.

. . . . .

I wonder if it’s just me
who enters the train station
full of wonder, but also a strange fear
of everyone I see

I long to smile at people passing me
but my mind, it doesn’t set that love free

I never really understand that force,
or rather the reason for it,
but there is no point pretending
that I am not afraid
of everyone I see
regardless of the source

I love the people whom I surround,
and who surround me,
but my mind hates them,
it seems, to my society and my past
it is still quite bound

I want them to smile at me,
hell! I even want them to converse,
yet I don’t, I don’t at all!
What if it turns out to be much worse,
than what I imagine it to be?

What if they end up judging me,
as I sit there, doing my best
to feel beautiful and strong,
pushing anxiety away

I wonder why has it happened to me,
when all I wanted was to love,
to love with all my heart,
never seeing the wrong in this life, constantly expecting the worst,
of this world, while the worst,
rarely is what happens,
I must have realized too late
that this has become my reality

But I love this world, I love you, I love you, despite my anger and my fear, I do

I know what my mind thinks is mostly not true, or so I say, as I make my way once again to work, on this new day.

Depression is a Thief

Depression is a thief,

Depression steals,

Depression takes,

Depression is cruel,

Depression attacks,

Depression steals motivation.

Depression takes minutes, hours, days, nights, years away from us.

Depression is cruel to anyone whom it affects.

Depression attacks everyone it can.

I am fighting depression.

I am getting up out of bed everyday.

I have better security now.

I won’t let it get me.

I will not get my past back.

I will not let my future go to depression.

Depression does not deserve me.

I will come out of it.

I will get better.

I have hope.

Physical Heartbreak

I tell my brain it’s over.. my racing mind is trying to destroy me.

He made his decision, it’s over.. my heart is about to explode.

There is nothing I can do, it’s out of my hands.. my chest tightens hard.

I love him but I can’t be with him.. my gut is feeling bruised.

We won’t be going anywhere together.. my legs start to wobble.

He won’t be touching me anymore.. my arms are getting numb.

I can’t see him again.. my head is pounding.

I will never hear him say I love you brother.. my whole body starts to shake.

He has left me forever.. I start to lose control of my senses.

I miss him, I love him, I need him.. I can hardly breathe.

This heartache is physical.. everything becomes dark.

Forever yours.. Brother x

You are well where you are

You are where you are meant to be

It is a selfish pain that doesn’t lighten

And I weep with this painful truth

My dear one, my only brother

Do not let my anguish deflate you

I miss you.. I long for you

Still I would not wish for you to come back

Your existence in this world was short

Yet full of complexity and suffering

You were here to give me strength

Which I have recently lost [forgive me]

But, my one true love

I will continue to pray

For myself, to find your power

In my chest once more

So that you can be proud

So that you can rest easy

So that you can keep loving me

I will continue to pray

Forever loving you,

Brotha-partner x

Pride, dignity — gone

What have I done? What has happened to me? Where has Abubakar gone? Who have I become? What is this existence I am living?It is not life. It is not life.

Please save me… I have been praying everyday. I have been taking my cocktail of pills. I have been asking for help. I can’t help myself. I have become weak, so weak. A weak, wilted pathetic 22 year old full of pain, turmoil, negativity and the longing to die.

I can’t control my thoughts.. I think about him, him, him.

I suffocated him, I think. Although, I didn’t think so at the time. We lived together all the time, I didn’t know I was letting him suffocate. I would spend a lot of time with my family, my friends, and encouraged him to do the same. I thought I did. I encouraged him with his studies, his personal relations. I thought I did. I encouraged him to be the man he wanted to be. I thought I did. But now we aren’t together,,

He used to always tell me he missed me when we weren’t together. This makes me sick so badly. What would he be feeling now. He has gone so far from where no one could come back. He used to want to spend all his time with me laughing at funny jokes and doing stuff that nobody else liked.

Now, I am suffocating. In the pain of being without him. He was meant to be with me on my birthday, he promised to throw a party — the hardest time of the year for me since my brother died. He decided he couldn’t be with meanymore in January. The panic attacks have turned into a depression so deep I can hardly breathe. The grief I always felt for my brother has become the most painful it has ever been through this depression, stuck in every inch of my body like nails piercing through my skin. I have lost my safety net, that’s what he was. That’s what he wanted to be. I thought he did. It’s what he told me. But in the end, I suffocated him.

He told me he needed to go and fix himself, he didn’t like where he was within himself. It was his choice, to end his life…. decision making was his right as a human being, I know.. but I don’t understand. He told me I was the only person he ever loved and that he would never leave me. He needed me to reassure him over and over that I wouldn’t let him fall. He told me he couldn’t breathe at the idea of not being with me. I have clung to these words. I can’t let go of them. They meant THE WORLD to me. They meant EVERYTHING to me. They were my life line. I couldn’t imagine those feelings EVER changing. The arguments, the conversations – nothing made me let go of those words. Nothing made me believe that those words had changed. Nothing made me believe that he would leave me and not look back. I thought we would sort anything, everything out together that was making his life hard. It wasn’t that long ago he said to me. ‘We were meant to be together’, ‘it is written’… I took everything he said as gospel. He says he meant it all, but things change. It is his choice, his right as a human being, I know.. but I don’t understand.

I haven’t changed. I am still IN LOVE with his memories, I love him, I need him. What has happened to me? What has happened to my personality? I am a mess. My grief is suffocating me. I want my brother back. I want to go to my Brother. I am not functioning in this life. I do nothing, I think of nothing, I can’t concentrate on anything. All I do is cry uncontrollably. My life has ended. The depression, the anxiety, the darkness has taken over. ‘Help yourself’ they say. Try to do something. Get out. Enjoy.

DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND? I AM BROKEN. I DON’T WANT ANYTHING. I DON’T ENJOY ANYTHING. MY MIND IS BROKEN. I AM BROKEN. I WANT TO DIE. I WANT TO GO TO MY BROTHER. I NEED TO GO TO MY BROTHER
PLEASE SAVE ME. PLEASE.

Leave me alone, Go Away

I don’t want to think, I don’t want to remember.. When the memories hit, I can’t breathe.

I want to wipe you out of my memory, I want no knowledge of your existence. I want to release this pain of rejection and broken promises.

Anxiety strikes high at the thought of no you in my life. Better to have not loved, better to have not let you in.
Distraction is not working.. your face, your voice etched into my mind with lasers. I don’t want to miss you. I don’t want to love you.

Leave me alone. Go away!!!

#3 Months

Three months ago, your 17 years life ends
In front of this brother’s eyes
Holding you in my arms
Watching, waiting for your last breath

Never forget will I
The look of your lifeless face
Still beautiful and fair
Yet so.. final

Expecting for three months
Yet no easier to accept
No easier to believe
The shock was no less

A world turned upside down
An identity lost
Now a brother without his brother
Not in his arms nor by his side

The envy is shaming, even from stories
Of a brother holding his brother
Kissing, hugging, smelling
Every thing that I own I would give..

And now three months have past
It is no different, this identity still lost
Now more than ever
This brother longs for his only love.

#3 Months
I LOVE YOU, LIL’ BRO H.. ❤

I’m Lost

I tried

to save you.

You died crying.

I held you.

You were safe

You died…loved

I am crying.

I will die crying.

In hope for you

To hold me.

Love me and

Let me die then.

Justified

The heartache that I bear is justified my love,
For I know you’ve found your peace in Heaven high above.

I’ll carry out my days with you deep in my heart,
Although life has been so hard since we have been apart.

Behind my jaded smile my eyes they shed some tears,
But to know you’re watching over me helps me overcome my fears.

This life it must go on, though you are far away,
Until we meet again, when the time it comes one day.

Save a space for when I come and settle by your side,
For the hope of this inspires me and it fills my chest with pride.

We’ll find ourselves together, united once again,
So I promise to be strong and keep going until then.