What have I done? What has happened to me? Where has Abubakar gone? Who have I become? What is this existence I am living?It is not life. It is not life.
Please save me… I have been praying everyday. I have been taking my cocktail of pills. I have been asking for help. I can’t help myself. I have become weak, so weak. A weak, wilted pathetic 22 year old full of pain, turmoil, negativity and the longing to die.
I can’t control my thoughts.. I think about him, him, him.
I suffocated him, I think. Although, I didn’t think so at the time. We lived together all the time, I didn’t know I was letting him suffocate. I would spend a lot of time with my family, my friends, and encouraged him to do the same. I thought I did. I encouraged him with his studies, his personal relations. I thought I did. I encouraged him to be the man he wanted to be. I thought I did. But now we aren’t together,,
He used to always tell me he missed me when we weren’t together. This makes me sick so badly. What would he be feeling now. He has gone so far from where no one could come back. He used to want to spend all his time with me laughing at funny jokes and doing stuff that nobody else liked.
Now, I am suffocating. In the pain of being without him. He was meant to be with me on my birthday, he promised to throw a party — the hardest time of the year for me since my brother died. He decided he couldn’t be with meanymore in January. The panic attacks have turned into a depression so deep I can hardly breathe. The grief I always felt for my brother has become the most painful it has ever been through this depression, stuck in every inch of my body like nails piercing through my skin. I have lost my safety net, that’s what he was. That’s what he wanted to be. I thought he did. It’s what he told me. But in the end, I suffocated him.
He told me he needed to go and fix himself, he didn’t like where he was within himself. It was his choice, to end his life…. decision making was his right as a human being, I know.. but I don’t understand. He told me I was the only person he ever loved and that he would never leave me. He needed me to reassure him over and over that I wouldn’t let him fall. He told me he couldn’t breathe at the idea of not being with me. I have clung to these words. I can’t let go of them. They meant THE WORLD to me. They meant EVERYTHING to me. They were my life line. I couldn’t imagine those feelings EVER changing. The arguments, the conversations – nothing made me let go of those words. Nothing made me believe that those words had changed. Nothing made me believe that he would leave me and not look back. I thought we would sort anything, everything out together that was making his life hard. It wasn’t that long ago he said to me. ‘We were meant to be together’, ‘it is written’… I took everything he said as gospel. He says he meant it all, but things change. It is his choice, his right as a human being, I know.. but I don’t understand.
I haven’t changed. I am still IN LOVE with his memories, I love him, I need him. What has happened to me? What has happened to my personality? I am a mess. My grief is suffocating me. I want my brother back. I want to go to my Brother. I am not functioning in this life. I do nothing, I think of nothing, I can’t concentrate on anything. All I do is cry uncontrollably. My life has ended. The depression, the anxiety, the darkness has taken over. ‘Help yourself’ they say. Try to do something. Get out. Enjoy.
DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND? I AM BROKEN. I DON’T WANT ANYTHING. I DON’T ENJOY ANYTHING. MY MIND IS BROKEN. I AM BROKEN. I WANT TO DIE. I WANT TO GO TO MY BROTHER. I NEED TO GO TO MY BROTHER
PLEASE SAVE ME. PLEASE.